Many blessings and the humblest of gratitudes upon you, brothers and sisters! May your harvests be supple and bountiful. As a simple man of faith, I am most honored that you have taken time away from tilling soil, milking the cows, and daily prayer to let mineself share with thee.
First, I feel I must address the horse and buggy in the room. Yes, I did lie in a premarital bed with Goodwife Thompson. I strive to be pure as the Lord commands, but gave in to earthly temptation upon seeing her in a sinfully suggestive bonnet and, yes, did churn her butter. While I have brought great shame upon the house of my father, I must tell you that the things she accuses me of doing are the Devil’s falsehoods. Tis true that I did not spare the rod on occasion, but only in response to womanly disobedience as the Good Book tells us to do.
I do not ask for your forgiveness nor your pity. I merely seek the opportunity to atone for my shameful actions. I know that Brother Goodell is a Godly and just man, and as the elder of our humble community I appeal to him to allow me a chance at redemption. I do know that I could justly be shunned for my grievous sins, but I feel it necessary to remind Brother Goodell that all hogskins in the house of Elliot are engorged with the proper and pious amount of air. Brother Dax and I have a barn-raising versus the Cardinals this weekend and I shant want to miss it.
Finally, I wish to respond to the accusations hurled by Brother Garrett on last morrow’s eve. Brother Garrett saw it fit to question my effort during the battle with the Colorado horses on Sunday. I humbly remind Brother Garrett that the Sabbath is a holy day of rest and to exert oneself on the day of our Lord does Him dishonor. I ask that he recommit himself to our faith and pledge to fully exert myself in any Monday night games.
I bestow my deepest gratitude upon thee for your consideration during my hour of distress. I only hope that through hard work and humble service I can rejoin you in the good graces of the Lord. Have a blessed day!