Yesterday, teen heartthrob and human fart Martin Shkreli was found guilty of fraud after a much publicized trial. His legal team tried a variety of tactics to try to sway the jury- here are just a few:
1. Argued he should be given credit for providing a deeply divided nation with someone we can all hate, regardless of political affiliation.
2. Lobbied to reduce some of the lesser charges, including misdemeanor for wearing Affliction t-shirt to gym.
3. Asked that Shkreli’s contributions to society be considered while determining sentencing- specifically the countless volunteer hours spent getting the term “Pharma-bro” into cultural vernacular.
4. Brought in mother of “affluenza teen” to claim that she also raised Shkreli.
5. Saved us all from having to listen to another Wu-Tang Clan album.
6. In anticipation of a sentence of 3-5 years of remaining smug, asked for credit for smugness time already served- including aloof scowls.
7. If given jail time, he has threatened to buy entire supply of prison cigarettes and raise price to $800 a pack.
8. Asked that he be sent to one of those Mexican prisons that let you just walk out.
9. Jail Twitter not as cool as regular Twitter because in jail you are forced to use actual birds.
10. Much more difficult to scam rich assholes while wearing shackles.