Today has been an odd day. A few minutes ago I got a phone call from my own phone number. Curious, I answered, to find myself speaking with myself IN THE YEAR 2047! I have no idea how it happened, but both myself and my future self believe it had something to do with watching the Dennis Quaid thriller “Frequency” the other day. Well, of course I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to hear what kind of blog posts my future self makes. He was a little too eager, to be honest. Anyway, here’s 2047 Mike. -MS (2017)
What’s up, boners? I totally forgot I used to have 2 followers that weren’t my mom back in the day. They didn’t survive the infamous “Holocaust denial” post. So enjoy it while it lasts, old me. This is your peak.
Madden 2018, huh? They just announced the release date for Madden 2048, as it would happen. They are using a classic image this year and the cover athlete will be Brett Favre from when he came out of retirement again and won a Super Bowl with the Bears. Still good to see ol’ No. 4, though, no matter the jersey. Just so you know, the Madden Curse gets pretty nuts in the coming years. There is like a string of 7 years in a row where the cover athlete actually gets killed by shark attack. Unfortunately, that started a couple years after the Brady cover. In 2017 he will lead the league in smug and will win the Super Bowl in such an uninteresting fashion by the time you realize they won it will already be Easter. Ever since McDonald’s purchased the entire league, the NFL has become quite the production, with WWE-esque drama and intrigue. You’ll get used to the Big Mac ads on the helmets.
Oh hey before I forget, if you had anything you wanted to do in Florida you’d better get down there quickly. While what happened down there was unfortunate, it was somewhat comforting when the EPA released that study that proved once and for all that global warming was a myth. Sure, most of the coasts are under water, but that’s just going to happen when the planet goes through a Heat Age.
On that note, say what you will about his demeanor, but you have to admit that Grand Emperor Trump has been able to accomplish some really serious changes around here. We were all a little skeptical at first when we were told that the U.S. was being absorbed by Russia, but it turns out it’s actually much easier to be a Russian citizen. The more freedom is restricted, the less choices one has to make, which has the effect of greatly reducing stress and critical thinking.
In case you were wondering, Bill Belichick dies in 2033 from falling off a crane he had climbed in order to spy on the Jets. The Patriots, of course, are adamant that Bill was merely a crane enthusiast and would never ever even think about cheating. So the following year, the team was coached by an urn containing the Hoodie’s ashes. They won the Super Bowl.
You’re not going to believe this, but we even got the health care thing figured out. Yeah. When it got to the point that the only people who could afford health care were just purchasing their own personal doctors, we just scrapped the system entirely. Hospitals were all converted to places of worship so now instead of costly medication or surgery, you simply pray for the power of Jesus Christ to heal you. It has also significantly alleviated the elderly housing shortage since the life expectancy is 50. But they are 50 strong years. It’ll feel like 100. Plus you only have to go to school until the 5th grade so you get almost as much time as a regular old adult.
Here’s another thing you’ll find interesting- in just a few short years, fantasy football has made the logical progression from simple hobby to main income-generator in all of the United States of Russia. Oh, and speaking of scientific breakthroughs, a few years ago the definitive study on CTE or brain injuries from contact sports was released. Turns out that CTE is a genetic condition that an athlete is born with. One of the symptoms of the disorder is an intense love of running into things, so an overwhelming majority of those afflicted end up playing football. The No-Fun League has shed its restraints and converted to an all-out ultra violent spectacle again. It’s awesome.
Easily the coolest part of 2047 is the Stand Your Ground Act, which provides everyone with a government-issued assault rifle upon receiving their 5th grade diploma. And as long as we’re talking about weapons, you’ll be thrilled to learn that we’ve announced that the last of our troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan by 2050. It will be a truly special occasion when our boys are finally home to celebrate 9/11 Day with their families.
That’s pretty much it. Rest assured you are in for an exciting and interesting 30 years- enjoy it! Oh, and I’m not supposed to tell you this, but it might be a good idea to avoid all pie eating competitions for, um, ever. No reason. Check ya later! – MS (2047)