My 7-year-old cousin, Connor, is not a fan of this blog. He told me it is “boring and dumb” and that he could do a much better job. So, since this is so easy, I gave him this week’s topic. He was too busy to set aside time to make a post so he put this together while on a field trip to the zoo. I can’t wait until he’s old enough that I can be mean to him without people looking at me like a child abuser.
Hello, my name is Connor and I am 7 years old. My best friends are my mom, Mitch, and my cat. Her name is Buttercup. The cat, not my mom. My mom’s name is Mom. She’s very old, probably the oldest person I know. My favorite color is green and my favorite food is pasketti. Where are the polar bears? Can we go to the polar bears? Mrs. Potter, when are we going to the polar bears?
Today I am going to tell you all about the fyre festival. That is not how you spell fire. Fire is F-I-R-E. When something you write has a red squiggly line underneath it, that means it is spelled wrong. I like festivals. I’ve been to probably all of them. Sometimes I ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl and one time I got cotton candy in my hair. It was pink. Pink is my 5th favorite color. I don’t want to look at the seals anymore. WHEN CAN WE SEE THE POLAR BEARS?
When I grow up I want to be a fireman. Or a dinosaur. This zoo doesn’t have any dinosaurs. If I can’t be one of those things I think I will be a deadbeat loser, like my dad. I don’t know what a deadbeat loser is, but my mom says that’s what my dad is and he’s pretty cool. Sometimes when I visit him he lets me watch tv as late as I want. He likes Budweiser and plays pool a lot and has a friend named Destiny who is in my older sister’s grade. He has a Buick Skylark and it goes really fast! I bet people would be really happy to see a fireman at a fire festival. HAS IT BEEN FIFTEEN MINUTES YET? I WANT TO SEE THE POLAR BEARS!
Mrs. Potter? I need to go to the bathroom. No, I can’t hold it. I need to go NOW. I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t have to go before. Why do I have to have a chaperone? I’m almost 8. One time we were at the zoo and I heard one of the zookeepers tell someone that sometimes polar bears eat their babies and my mom said she completely understood. HEY WHY AREN”T WE AT THE POLAR BEARS YET? YOU PROMISED!
Ok I have to go now. This is boring. I’m going to find those dumb bears. And then I have to get back by 4:30 so I can throw a temper tantrum and be late for soccer practice and complain about Brian’s mom bringing orange slices again instead of good food.