Olive Garden – Clarksville, IN

Five out of five stars.

When I want to have 5 Star quality Italian food, I have to wait out the hunger because I don’t have that kind of money. If you go long enough without eating the hunger goes away. When I want to have cookie cutter Italian while savoring mediocre ingredients and a server who has trouble getting my order in in between cigarette breaks, I go to Olive Garden. And if other Olive Gardens sound too exciting, I go to the Olive Garden in Clarksville, IN.

Why do Indianans have southern accents? It doesn’t make any sense. You’re at the same latitude as Illinois. Who are you trying to fool? We get it, you would like to be able to own people again and the gays make you nervous. Just because I enjoy a nice cup of Earl Grey tea from time to time, I don’t prance around with an English accent.

Anyway, unlimited breadsticks doesn’t mean a thing when they taste like cardboard. One would be too many. And if I say “a little” grated cheese, that does not mean that I want half a block plopped into my soup. Lactose gives me gas.

Despite all of this, there is that one waitress who one of these days I’m going to get up the nerve to talk to and see if she also likes a good ol’ steeple chase. She smells like grated cheese and UGGs. So overall, this might be the greatest restaurant on the face of the earth. Five out of five stars.

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