A couple of weeks ago we adopted a one-year-old black lab. I’ve never had a dog before but had always wanted one. She’s an ok dog as far as dogs go- doesn’t try to kiss you IMMEDIATELY after she gets done tonguing her butthole, cleans up spilled food, babysits our son, is working on a novel, you know, basic dog stuff. She volunteered to write this week’s post and I was more than happy to oblige. Readers, I now hand the reins over to Kimmy. -MS
HELLO HOW ARE YOU IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU I LOVE YOU DO YOU HAVE FOOD? I know everything there is to know about teddy bears. One of the first things I did at my new home was to shred the teddy bear that their little Rat Person thought was so special. Kimmy is the dominant attention-getter now. All that I have peed on is my domain. I’ve never had my own teddy bear but if I did I would take good care of it by giving it weekly slobber baths and feeding it oat meal with a straw. Do you have food? You smell like food can I have some?
Mike? Mike? MIKE!!!! Oh no this is terrible! I’ve been abandoned! I’ll never see my owners again, they’ve deserted me! Just when I was – oh there you are! Don’t ever step in the other room like that again. I thought you were gone FOREVER! Do you have food can I have some I love food please give me some. Did you say outside? YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I WOULD LOVE TO GO OUTSIDE! We can play in the snow and chase squirrels and look for poop to eat and I’ll play fetch until I see another dog at which point I will cease to heed any commands and will bark and run around in circles to let you know that there is another dog at the park. Here’s my leash, let’s go!
Oh yeah. The stupid teddy bear thing. Mike said that “trending” is kind of like if a lot of people are talking about something. I’m surprised it’s not food. Oh I almost forgot, do you have any food? The little rat person keeps some stuffed animals in his bed. They won’t be stuffed for long. I need room on those beds so I can jump on top of your face in the middle of the night, decide I want to get down, change my mind again, and bound around the house to let you know it’s time to get up before jumping on your face again. I will need all beds bear-free.
Have you ever seen a Kong? It’s this amazing toy that grows peanut butter inside of it. For some reason I can’t quite get to the delicious peanut spread but I am wearing the Kong down by licking it with such force that soon I am sure to be rewarded with infinite peanut better. Or you could just give me peanut butter. What? Did you say you had food? I thought I heard you say you had some food for me. Yes I would like some food is my favorite.
Oh no! It’s time to play outside but I’m very close to getting food there are so many smells here and there is too much to do I am not sure where to start I have to do everything at once or I will miss out on something interesting. Everything is so exciting! I guess we could- HEY! What the fuck was that? I almost caught it, any moment now. It looks like a tail and I am going to catch it and chew it into submission. Where did it go? THERE IT IS! So close!
So anyway, teddy bears are dumb and pointless. They don’t even know how to fetch. I’m glad I’m not a teddy bear. I’m a very good girl. I like food and especially treats and am a good girl so can you please give me some treats and then I’ll stop asking. All I want is one little treat and that’s all. If you give me my treats I will be so good. You will be so proud of me and you will say “that Kimmy is such a good dog. Here are a ton of treats for her”.
Hey, you left the toilet seat lid up. I’ll take it from here. – Kimmy. Dog. Age one. Good girl.