Hellooooo! Thank you so much for joining us. Today’s trending topic is “Get Out”. My rule is not to look up anything, but in this case I had to figure out why this phrase would be trending. Turns out it is the name of a movie. Well, today’s guest writer probably doesn’t know much about the topic either, but I’m very excited to see what he has to say. I’ll turn this over to Lord Fedevich Bartholomew Cornhollis III, all the way from Feudal England and the year 1350. -Mike (2017)
Harumph! Most goodly tidings and the blessings of his majesty King Edward III upon thee! What magnificent sorcery conjured this blinky glowing contraption I now write upon? Where I’m from, only the most privileged noblemen can decipher the written word, let alone afford a scribe to record their words. You see, the printing press has not been invented yet. At this point, I’m thinking it will be at least… oh, 123 years before we see whatever that is.
Double harumph! This is mighty good mead Mr. Stan has graciously offered. It would seem to come from the cellar of a Mr. Colt 45. Jolly good show. Ah, yes- to the topic at hand, “Get out”. We certainly have use for this turn of phrase in feudal England. It’s pretty much the only thing we bother saying to the Scots these days. Disgusting, barbaric, vile creatures, the Scottish. I would just as soon they fall off the face of the earth, which is a literal possibility as far as I know and not a figure of speech.
One wonders what the fine men of the future need of such an order. Perhaps it is the name of the newest Gregorian Chant. Or maybe “get out” is future-man slang, similar to today’s expression of “suck a stale sparrow” to convey disdain. Or maybe again this is a rallying cry for the crusaders of your day, those holy men who bring the gift of the Church to those pagans who remain true to the Norse Gods. To be sure, my old friend Wellington Gumchester IV would have had some insight to these words. Pity, as he was recently executed for heresy for insinuating that the orders of Pope John XXII may not be received directly from our Lord and Saviour himself. It was a splendid event, though. We did that thing where we tie ropes to each extremity and then to some horses and then make the horses run away, thus ripping the criminal’s limbs completely from the torso. Good old Wellington, ever the jokester, had the fine humour to remain very much alive for a good while even after his arms and legs had been removed.
Speaking of humours, maybe it is modern medical science that incorporates the phrase “get out”. As all educated men know, the body is kept healthy and full of vigor with the proper balance of all of the humours- blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. Perhaps this mandate is in reference to expelling excess fluid from the body. I do declare that now in 1350 we are very close to eliminating the Plague through scientific means. Why, it is only this century that we realized that the best way to combat illness is to gather all of the sick and put them all in one room along with healthy doctors and nurses while they are bled or biled or mucous-ed back to health. In fact, “Get out” very likely is directed at the thousands of corpses that are piled in our streets. An eyesore, but of course this is the only sanitary method of handling the deceased.
One final Harumph! and then I must get back to my kingdom. The peasants are not going to abuse themselves! My gratitude once again is extended to you and may the morrow find you with many blessings.
-Lord Fedevich Bartholomew Cornhollis III; Yarmouth, Briton – 1350