February 10, 2017 Fifty Shades Darker

Stars On The Set Of 'Fifty Shades Darker'

50 Shades Darker, eh?  I have no illusions as to my place on the masculinity scale- therefore I will not attempt to claim that I know nothing about this topic.  The original book was such a phenomenon that it would have been virtually impossible to avoid at least general knowledge about this tale.  Even if you’ve never read the Da Vinci code (or seen the movie) you probably have a vague idea that it’s Sully on a treasure hunt.  50 Shades was a cultural thing for a good few months.  It seemed like everybody had at least one female friend or relative who loved this book.  I did not know that there was a sequel, but it makes sense.  Porn for women is a goldmine.  Even though the first movie was considered a flop, that was only when compared to the outrageous box office it was supposed to bring in.  It still made money.  A lot of money.  Sex movies are much cheaper to make than superhero movies.  I would imagine that production required minimal special effects.

I don’t understand why my gender has such an aversion to anything deemed “too girly”.  Movies targeting the male demographic still bring in a female audience.  It seems that women will go to movies with their significant other much more than guys will let themselves get dragged along to a chick flick.  Also, when a new Vin Diesel vehicle comes out I do not round up all of my buddies and watch it as a group.  I wouldn’t go to a movie alone, of course- how would I go to the bathroom if I didn’t have that reassuring support?  But we have this thing where we are obsessed with distancing our association with anything girly.  Guys seem to be much more sensitive about adhering to gender norms than women do.  Take Magic Mike, for example.  By all accounts that movie was a fantastic film, a great story with an exceptional cast.  But it was marketed as “Channing Tatum’s abs!  DICKSDICKSDICKS!”  and most of us never had any desire to watch it.

C-Tates, by the way, has very brilliantly found an image that is universally likeable and not just a pretty face.  His career, I think, started with those dance movies and then he did some rom-coms and women clearly flocked to anything with him in it.  For a bit there, it seemed like he was doomed to be an American version of Hugh Grant.  Fuck Hugh Grant.  I don’t understand his appeal at all.  All of his movies appear to be different variations of the same plot.  Oh, but there’s a wedding in this one!  And he talks fancy.  But Tatum smoothly transitioned to action flicks and comedies without blinking an eye. I remember when I saw that 21 Jump Street was getting a Hollywood reboot, thinking that it was a shame that they couldn’t cast someone funny opposite Jonah Hill.  But holy shit.  Channing Tatum is a funny dude.  His comedic timing is phenomenal.  Those movies are just fun.  And if you haven’t seen his dance scene in Hail, Caesar!, just that one scene was worth the cost of admission.

Anyway, Channing Tatum is not in 50 Shades of Grey, or 50 Shades Darker for that matter.  The stars aren’t even A-listers.  They could have cast a couple of extras from The Danish Girl and raked in a hit.  I think part of the reason the movies underperformed is the same thing that alternately made the books such a success.  Women like to read their porn.  Females aren’t visually inclined when it comes to arousal.  Men, wanting their sex big and dumb and aggressive, prefer their banging to be something they can see.  Women, it seems, get more turned on by reading erotica, electing to let their imaginations do the work.  This shouldn’t be that surprising- any book section of your local department store has a healthy array of romance novels.  You know the ones.  Why does that cowboy have his shirt off and why is all of his remaining clothing ripped?  Those are all just 150 pages of explicit, filthy sex in explicit detail.  “She felt a burst of pleasure as his throbbing manhood found her clitoris.”  I recall a Vice article that interviewed one of these authors.  The guy said that he writes like an assembly line, making sure to appeal to different fetishes.  And he said he makes a lot of money.  At lot.  Even the books he considers really shitty have made him lots of cash.  It briefly made me want to try my hand at it as that sounds like a kick-ass gig, but I do not have the ability to concentrate long enough to produce a cohesive story.  These couple paragraph blog entries pretty much are the limit of my attention span.  I don’t know what this difference in media preference for sex says about gender differences, but it is interesting that males and females get horny in different ways.

So, I don’t know.  Instead of asking your girlfriend to watch porn with you maybe tell her a lurid story.  I think females are just as horny as we are- they just have a better handle on controlling their arousal.  Or don’t.  I don’t choose these topics.  I’m going to give this Star Trek fan fiction orgy another shot.


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