January 27, 2017 Chinese New Year 2017

panda-watchChina was founded in 42 B.C. (Before China) by Sun Yi Kim.  Sun Yi was originally from the Philippines and had popped out one day to grab a pack of smokes and accidentally stumbled across China.  Unfortunately, he forgot to tell anyone about it so it wasn’t for another 42 years that the country began to track census data.  Scholars generally maintain that Chinese civilization officially began in 0 B.C., citing the opening of the first Laundrymat in Shanghai as the logical origination date.  Using the well-known scientific criteria of the Dry-Clean Method, which simply states that a country is only as advanced as its ability to remove a ketchup stain on your pantsuit, we can thus accurately pinpoint the historical timeframe of China’s infancy.

Of course, China would not long remain a cultural baby.  Within 100 years of its existence, the Chinese had invented fireworks, the fire drill, and the concept of queuing.  The latter two innovations would be widely regarded as failures until the advent of traffic lights and Netflix (2009).  Were it not for the discovery of the Ming Scrolls in 1967, the modern world would never know how good the early Chinese were at standing in line.  The population of China would increase dramatically in the sixth century with the invention of intercourse, which is generally considered to have been a bad move.  In fact, a strong argument can be made that most subsequent wars could have been avoided if mankind had freed itself from the desire to find more things to have sex with.  At the very least people wouldn’t be so sensitive about having tiny hands.

Good move or not, China continues to be a force to be reckoned with- consistently ranking in the top ten of all countries in the world in number of Chinese citizens.  Most people agree that China is located in the East, or very very far West, depending on which way you hold a map.  China has also had a significant influence on the earth’s zoos by inventing the panda bear.  Panda bears are known for being super cute and eating bamboo, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  Panda bears have been endangered since 5 years before they existed, which is just enough time for you to feel really bad about them going extinct.

That’s pretty much all I know about China.  Happy Chinese New Year, everyone!


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