December 30, 2016 – Michigan Football


I have most certainly lucked out thus far with my topics – a full 40% of my posts have been sports related.  I know that at some point I’m going to have to write about something that I care and know little about, and that is indeed part of the appeal of the concept.  However, it’s also nice to see the day’s topic and realize that the challenge will be to keep the post to a readable amount of words.  I have opinions about sports and am blindly steadfast in my belief that everyone else must find sports to be equally important.

Let me tell you how I feel about Michigan football.

I think it goes without saying that Michigan football is annoying.  Michigan football is basically that smug, overachieving preppy dude in your high school whose success you instinctively rooted against.  There wasn’t any specific thing he did that justified ill-will, but just the fact that he is him on a daily basis is enough.  Michigan is the same way.  There’s nothing overtly offensive about them as a team, but most people outside of Ann Arbor wouldn’t mind if they just went away.

I liked it much better when the Wolverines were not relevant.  It was fun watching them bring in the likes of Brady Hoke and Rich Rod and have heralded recruiting classes and then promptly go 7-5.  Michigan is perpetually over-rated, because of its “history”.  Even as I write this, they are losing in the Orange Bowl.  But Michigan fans will still insist that they should have gone to the College Football Playoff.  Penn State should be in the CFP.  They beat Ohio State.  They won the Big Ten.  But Ohio State will bring in more money.  Fine.  Michigan belongs nowhere in the conversation.  Sometimes I click my heels together and whisper “there’s no place like Appalachian State, there’s no place like Appalachian State”.

I used an image of Jim Harbaugh, quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, because it represents the last time he was tolerable.  He’s a “Michigan Man”, which is a polite way of saying “douche”.  He’s lucky he coaches in the same conference as Urban Meyer, the black licorice of NCAA coaches.  A few people really like black licorice.  The rest of the world still has black jelly beans at the bottom of their Easter basket from 1992.  It would be much more obvious how insufferable Jim Harbaugh is if Meyer wasn’t around to soak up some of the available animosity.

Jim Harbaugh dresses like a middle school dance chaperone.

Harbaugh is a good coach and a great recruiter.  No one disputes that.  He also is one of the most entertaining human beings to watch lose their composure.  The bulging vein you get in your neck when you’re really pissed off should just be called the Harbaugh.  Michigan was probably the first school to refer to its sports teams as “programs”.  A program is something that tells you how many more scenes of your kid’s play you have to sit through.  A football team is not a program.

Oh, and any school that puts stickers on its helmets is not nearly as big of a deal as it thinks it is.  There’s no sticker for self-righteousness.

Supposedly in 1887, the Michigan football team made a pit stop in South Bend, Indiana on their way to a game and introduced Notre Dame to football (I’m not making this up: source)  At the very least they should apologize for that.

In conclusion, Ann Arbor is a whore.





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s