December 16, 2016: Collateral Beauty

Collateral beauty.  To the best of my knowledge, something that is “collateral” is something that is incidental or unintended.  Like, “collateral damage” is a nicer way to say “we killed some civilians”.  So I have to assume that collateral beauty is some sort of accidental beauty.  I would imagine this is the phenomenon that happens when a plain-looking person is surrounded by beautiful people and by association they are themselves presumed to be beautiful.  She hangs out with all of those models- I must be missing something because she is clearly also good-looking.

Collateral is also the name of a somewhat underrated movie with Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise.  It was directed by action movie God Michael Mann and follows Foxx’s cab driver as he drives contract killer Cruise around, doing various killing-type activities.  Maybe Collateral Beauty is a sequel to Collateral?  2Collateral 2Beauty: Collateral 2, Back in the Habit.

Then again, this could just be a case of many people meaning to look up the term “lateral” and being stymied by auto-correct.  Actually, maybe the term is CO-lateral; the act of two people pitching a football to a teammate behind them.  This seems unlikely.  Maybe one guy searched for collateral and then someone else saw that search topic and thought “why?” and they themselves then searched and they caused two other people to do the same, which subsequently created a Pay-it-Forward type situation only it doesn’t make me cry at the end.  Maybe only one person used Google today so the results are skewed.

Ever notice that when you type something into Google the suggested searches look like something a small, inquisitive child would suggest?  The child doesn’t have to be small.  Just inquisitive.  Anyway, when you type in “what” there are seemingly infinite possibilities as to the full content of the search.  But Google jumps right in and is like OH I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE “WHAT IS THAT SMELL IN THE BACK OF MY REFRIGERATOR” or “what is this man in a yellow jumpsuit looking at that is causing him to smile coyly” or “what is coyly”.  They are oddly specific, too.  Just imagine the circumstances that led to the search “what happens to the fingernails I hide in my roommate’s socks” and for that matter the circumstances that led to enough people doing this exact same search that Google deemed this the 3rd most likely set of words to follow the word “what”.

Ok, I know that Collateral Beauty is an upcoming Will Smith movie.  That’s why there’s a picture of Kevin Blart at the top, because Hitch.  I have no idea what this movie is about.  It has that Will Smith-y vaguely descriptive title that will start out as a lighthearted romantic comedy and sucker you in right before BOOM: dying kid needs a heart.  The Pursuit of the Correct Spelling of Happyness.  This is the type of movie that my family will end up going to see on Christmas Eve because it’s just non-offensive enough of a title that no one will be able to veto it.  The only time I went out on a limb to campaign for a movie I really wanted to see is referred to as “The Benjamin Button Incident” so I have little to no credibility.  For the record, Benjamin Button is the type of movie that everyone pretends it’s good because other people tell you it’s good and you don’t want to feel like you don’t know anything about films but you’d be better off using those three and a half hours to take down your Christmas tree one pine needle at a time.

Go see Collateral Beauty so that Will Smith’s weiner kids don’t go hungry.

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